Beauty on yard day

Sometimes when you are out behind your home tending to the lawn or what have you, you will inevitably come to the conclusion that your yard is no doubt the coolest on the block. You've got your bushes trimmed up real nice, the lawn freshly mowed, and you even trimmed around that '86 Beretta. The neighbors are always asking your advice on how to keep the dogs out of antifreeze. The postal worker always asks you how hard it was to drag that 600lb moose out of the woods. And then out of nowhere a bald headed eagle swoops down and lands gracefully on your lawn ball. As if to grasp the orb of blue glowing wonder in a mighty display of power, but instead decides to turn to you and nod in a godly gesture only read about in books of yesteryear. Life is good.

April Review: New Menu Items

I'm a sucker for anything "new", especially in the world of food and grocery. So when I'm food shopping or out picking up lunch, the marketing Gods know exactly how to lure me in. Big elaborate banners, cutouts, and signs that scream "Limited Time Only!" or "New This Month!"... yeah, they win my business every time. I know you're the same way. You got just as excited as I did when they rolled out Glad Press 'n Seal.




Since Timmy is smart enough to keep this promotion train running, I've realized that they release a few new products every month to see if they have staying power. While this approach has its occasional god-awful results (Fajita Wrap, I still can't forgive you), they are for the most part very honest and productive attempts to expand the menu. I'm grateful Timmy, because a man can only eat so many Turkey Bacon Club and Chili combo meals.

So near the beginning of every month, I'll do a review of the latest Timmys offerings. Consider this my gift to mankind... some people contribute money to charity, others help kids to read, I review Tim Hortons menu items to save you from wasting $3. Pay it forward.

• Slow Roast Beef Sandwich: Sigh... this is exactly the type of item I've been pulling for Timmy to come out with ever since my new winter menu rant. It's not even that horrible health wise. Less than 400 calories and over 25g of protein. So what's the problem? They went a little overboard.
  
  Normally, you'd expect a roast beef sandwich to have a bun, lots of beef, maybe some onions, right? Well, this sandwich has all that, plus mushrooms, tomatoes, horseradish sauce, and a special herb-encrusted bun. Too much smack... and way too high a price ($4.50) for the size of the meal. Sorry Timmy, for that kinda coin, I'm heading down to Subway for the $5 footlong and that catchy jingle of there's. I do give Tim credit for an awesome marketing image though...
  Indeed, make it beef. Not only that, make it "Canadian Beef." Sounds like a porno with female hockey players from Edmonton.
  
• Whole Grain Raspberry Muffin: Absolutely outstanding. A great idea because its "whole grain", which makes me feel like I'm being healthy, when I'm really just consuming 400 cal, 58g of carbs, and a whole lotta sugar. Who cares? This muffin is worth the eventual onset of Type 2 diabetes, please keep it around.
  
• Chocolate Brownie Iced Cappucino: Yup, it's as awesoe as it sounds. Bits of brownie throughout, plus the Supreme comes with real whipped cream and cocoa powder on top. I had two of them yesterday. And I wonder why I can't lose weight. Oh yeah, it's because I have a blog about a fast food restaraunt.


• Green Tea: No different than any other green tea out there, though I'm sure its much more affordable than your local coffeehouse where all the soon-to-be jobless music majors hang out. I didn't ask Timmy if you could get the green tea cold, because iced green tea is the bees knees.

Tigers or Lions? SETTLED!

Special thanks to Kissing Suzy Kolber for settling this once and for all:

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2008/04/molested-by-jack-hanna-regional-final.html

• Pros: Stripes make great camoflauge. Where’s the tiger? Where’s the tiger? CHOMP! You’re fucked.
• Cons: Couldn't finish Roy off

"That's the way you debate!"

Bruce Willis Endorses the Mint Chocolate Iced Cappuccino

Can I talk to you for a second?

Listen to me, get this fuckin drink.

Get your ass over to Tim Hortons and ORDER THIS DRINK before I slap you.

It's a nice blend of sugar, mint, and coffee flavors. Sure, it ain't no fuckin Seagrams Wine Cooler, but it'll do. Plus, I don't think Police Captain Fuckface here would appreciate you drinking a wine cooler at the drive-thru.

I'll tell you what. You try one of these iced cappucinos, and maybe I'll appear in your next movie. Look, I've only done 76 OF THESE FUCKIN THINGS, so I think I can handle your crappy little Digital-8 home movie.

Just put me in frame while you record your baby taking a bath or little Mandy graduating from kindergarten. I don't give a shit. Or why don't I come down there and you can tape me fuckin your wife? I bet she'd like that. What woman doesn't want a piece of this ass? Go rent 'Color of Night' and then have yourself a cry, you could never satisfy a woman like Bruce Willis.

Look, the point is, you should STOP SUCKIN YOUR OWN DICK and go try this beverage.

It's dirt cheap, even for a petty little asshole like yourself. Just make sure to mix it up from time to time, so it doesn't separate. After you've tried it, you can give me a call and we'll hang out.

No, not really. I can't hang out with you. You don't shoot enough guns to hang out with me. Plus, I'm busy washing Ashton's nutsack all week.

Alright, gotta go.

"That's it! I'm moving to Canada!"

If you're white, you've probably said this five times in your lifetime... don't lie:

White People Love Threatening to Move to Canada